Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I just felt disappointed again... Maybe my likes just didn't click with the rest. The things that i like to do didn't click with the rest. Whatever i really really like, no one actually likes.
I love playing music together with other people. i just like the idea of playing in groups, or just duets. I just like singing along with other people, dancing with other people, i just like immersing myself in music together with the others. but the people around me don't like it the way i do.
I don't like soloing, that's why i've never entered a single examination or competition. I'm not playing music for the sake of some grade to prove that i'm a skilful person. I'm not out to prove that i'm an expert in music. I just like the idea of enjoying myself while playing music. I improve myself constantly not just because i'm some blardy competitive person. I just like the exposure to more music to gain more experience. In order to play more music, and more difficult, and nicer pieces, the only method was to improve myself. If i'm really such a competitive person, i'd be rushing to obtain grades, get some diploma or whatever and show the whole world that HEY! i'm the best around here, don't mess with me. If i'm really such a competitive person, i'd probably enjoy solos more than orchestras. Orchestras do not allow u to stand out at all. In fact, u can only be any other player in the group. I don't mind solos from time to time, but only in orchestra pieces. i don't really want to play a solo in front of the audience. yes, i'm not that good. but even if i am, i don't really want it either. a solo part is good, but not a solo piece.
I don't like playing by myself. i feel so lonely, and i feel that the music is horrible. Never mind that it's chinese music or whatever. Any music... i don't mind sitting there and listen, but i wanna play together too. forget it. Maybe i'm just some eccentric and unique brat who revolves around some group effect crap. I shall stop listening. I'll just do what i like. I'll just go out as per normal in search of things i like to do and dedicate myself to it. I'm sure i'm able to find people who similarly, just enjoy the idea of playing music, and enjoy the idea of playing together.
I think it's time to stop assumptions from going around. i'm sick of it, sick of admitting myself to things that are not true. i'm sick of holding on to one-sided rltns. i'm sick of tolerating all the rubbish in the world, including myself. i shall be the other me, mean.
it's me again at [8:31 AM]
_____________
